How To Stop Feeling Like Shit For Not Making It
I'm 21 and I'm in the UK. I flopped my A-Levels and went to a complete non-target university and I pretty much knew my career prospects were over immediately. Networking isn't a thing here for graduate roles and you have to go to the elite universities to stand a chance. The first few months of university were the hardest since I constantly felt like hanging myself.
As expected, I was constantly rejected from countless internships and jobs. In hindsight, I wasted so much time learning technicals which are completely useless to me now since I'll never get into IB. However, I did manage to get onto an accounting graduate scheme. I graduated with a first class degree in econ/finance (which doesn't mean anything since it's from a complete non-target), and I started my accounting graduate scheme.
My friends all went to Cambridge and Oxford and have amazing jobs in elite firms that are so competitive and everyone expected me to get into Cambridge as well, but I did badly in my A-Levels and pretty much ruined my life. Whenever I would meet up with my friends they would avoid talking about the offers and jobs they have so I don't feel bad because they know I went to a terrible university and didn't get a prestigious job even though everyone expected me to achieve that.
Whenever I would look at LinkedIn it just made me so depressed seeing the elite jobs people are in and it constantly makes me regret not working harder. I never set up a LinkedIn profile for myself because I was too embarrassed to mention my terrible university, so I would always look at what my friends/people I know are doing through a fake profile and it just made me feel so inferior.
Ultimately it's my fault I didn't work harder and I fucking regret that so much every single day. I thought I would be able to move on but ever since graduating and starting my accounting role, I've just felt worse because I can no longer delude myself that I can still turn things around. I've desperately been applying to roles but most graduate roles are for final year university students and everyone is from better universities with relevant internships, so I don't know why I wasted time applying so much but I guess it was a last ditch attempt.
I've slowly stopped talking to people and I don't hang out with my friends who went to Oxford/Cambridge because they are a constant reminder of what a failure I've turned out to be. I don't like thinking about jobs, university, and not doing well enough because it just makes me feel like complete shit and I sometimes break down randomly when I think about how badly I messed up. Even at work some people have started asking me if I'm okay so I guess I'm no longer good at hiding it.
I've started drinking a lot since it helps with the pain from self-harm and it does help me avoid getting negative thoughts. I just don't feel good and I'm miserable with how things have turned out. I don't know what to do but I can't keep feeling like this. I'd rather be dead. I just want to learn how to move on from my failure and stop it affecting me like this.
What's stopping you from applying to a masters degree from a target school ( lse, oxbridge etc)?
I feel you on these and discussed the exact same questions with my therapist. Overall, the summary was that you and I need to practice more self compassion. It’s okay to fail and not be a machine that achieves every external goal imaginable. Give more compassion and leeway to your past self, you did what you could and hating yourself won’t change anything.
A key takeaway was that if we can’t be happy as we are, landing that next big role, university, etc won’t be the factor that changes that. Learn to love yourself, be compassionate, appreciate others and put in the hard work to achieve your ambitions. It’s much easier to reach our goals if our body is happy and at peace than warring with regrets, stress and pain.
Another important piece for me was just talking to friends with 1/10th the “resume” I had and yet were infinitely happier, excited and looking forward to their future and job. If they can feel that, you and I definitely can.
Best of luck my friend, please treat yourself better. You deserve happiness, stop letting these external goals we won’t care about in a few decades let you poision valuable relationships. Those relationships will create lifelong, loving memories we’ll look back on and appreciate.
Thank you.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Don’t compare yourself to others man, everyone has their own journey. Life is not linear at all.
I fundamentally believe hard work always pays off and I think you’re lucky you realised you need to work hard early on in life.
Love yourself and trust that you will make it as long as you can create your own journey
how many times are you gonna post this?
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