In Defense of Eating Ass

I’m gonna start at 30 thousand feet here and zero in on my thesis because that’s what my english teachers taught me and I don’t wanna disappoint them if they’re reading this ‘in defense of eating ass’ blog.

So science says that men are attracted to women chicks with big tits, fat ass, curves, etc because it indicates their fertility and deep down our instinctual motives tell us to have as many kids as possible blah blah whatever. Sidenote how fucked up is that? Instincts and evolution just dropping as many college tuitions on you as fucking possible. Fuck off. But so that’s why were attracted to these attributes and I get it and it makes sense. Fine. But I propose that somewhere along the way it got skewed and we only like tits and ass and the like because it’s something we can’t have, it’s the only thing a bikini covers up, the only thing you can’t openly touch on a first date and not be considered a fucking creep. Also I guess ears and feet and shit idk I don’t see a situation where you can touch those. I guess open public touching on a first date is bizarre in general but you understand what I’m saying.

New paragraph to indicate I’m taking a turn in the argument. I got a 5 on AP english. So fast forward to our socially liberal society and people are rubbing dicks on butts at the bar, groping each other on the dance floor, it’s lawless out there it’s fucking Rio Di Janero. But you still can’t really touch a girls actual butthole. It’s the last frontier for shit I can do with my mouth. Queue 2014 and Post to Be and Jhene Aiko is telling the unwashed white suburban masses to “eat the booty like groceries” and everybody loses their mind. That’s all it took. The boys in Westchester just needed a black (?) chick to give them the green light and the cultural appropriation was set in motion (stop saying white people steal your culture then putting out 11/10 heaters basically step by step instructing me to dab and eat ass). It was the spark that ignited the powder keg. The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of eating butt. The manifest destiny of licking chicks.

So now we’ve set the scene, we know how we got here, but we still haven’t defended eating ass and explained why some guys are into it and some are not. I’ll answer that question with my own question. Why did some guys in 1849 stay in their shitty east coast wood cabins with their ugly wives and annoying kids while others ventured out to California to dig for gold and meet USC chicks and invent Uber? Because the former are conservative, risk-averse, fearful pussies who don’t want to take a chance. Exploration is animalistic. We’re curious creatures. We’re pioneers. If you’re too afraid to conquer this new frontier then that’s fine. You’re entitled to your own opinion and life choices, but just know that history favors the bold and you’re a dinosaur in the bedroom and your girlfriend will cheat on you with me who will eat her ass. Adapt or die.

P.S. – How about me suggesting that black culture is all about dabbing and eating ass? Next level offensive.

P.P.S. – The California gold rush / eating ass parallel is genuinely brilliant and I just want to point that out.