the girl I’m dating is a perfect match but she doesn’t care how she looks. She could easily be 8/10. She has poor dressing style and awful eating habits so she started becoming fat. How do I ask her to change without breaking her confidence and heart? I really love her but this could be the deal breaker
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Be kind and honest. It's "I'm concerned about your health and want you to be happy," not "you need to look better or I'll leave you." Buying her clothes you'd want to see her wear also doesn't hurt ; "I think you'd look stunning in this" or "wear this on our date tonight"
That may be kind, but it 's not honest.
Inception. You gotta put things in her perspective and make her feel like it is her own idea.
BROOOO 😂😂
As a woman, if she's happy let her be :( Do you really want your own girlfriend who you love to have to feel insecure about her looks/eating habits? And do you really want to be the source of her insecurity. Chances are, she may feel it on her own anyway (many women do) and you would just be adding to her insecurities (society does it enough, she really doesn't need you to add to it). Unless you think it's affecting her health I don't think you should be saying anything to her. Your girl should be a 10 for you always unconditionally. If her eating the way she wants and having bodily autonomy makes her 'lower than an 8' in your eyes maybe that calls for some introspection
edit: why am I getting MS for this LMAO y'all are so toxic
Unconditional love doesn’t exist in romantic relationships nor should it either. People have standards for a reason, and there isn’t anything wrong with that. Being overweight is unattractive, but far more importantly, it’s unhealthy.
If you actually love your partner, you don’t feed their delusions and excuse their self-destructive habits, you bring up the topic respectfully and help them help themself.
If you want unconditional love, go to your parents. Not your GF / BF
Your parents loved you unconditionally when you were a pudgy, gooey, sticky thing that pooped involuntarily. I can't think of many men / women who would do the same if they found a partner that did the same...that's for the Disney movies
Being fat is bad for your health, full stop.
LMFAO get the heck out of here with this complete bs. If your partner completely lets themselves go, not out of depression/some external factor but because they genuinely do not care about their health/appearance, it's a reflection that they also do not care about you. It's a reflection of how they will behave in numerous areas of their life. By no means should anyone feel obligated to sacrifice their own happiness in a relationship over some retarded concept of "bodily autonomy" giving their partner the right to become a slob. Touch grass and join the real world, you're either a simp or delusional feminist with this take.
This is officially the worst post of 2024 so far.
I want my chick to look like a Muay Thai fighter.
The chicks I’ve dated that looked like this were, by far, the best.
A partner with that kind of mental conditioning would be kickass
Weirdly selfish perspective. A relationship is two people, not one. Both need to be happy and both need to care about the other person's happiness.
So, if a girlfriend/wife goes from being hot, to being a hippo, he shouldn't mind?
Hmm... Well...
If he lost everything, and had no income.
Would she be fine with it? Doubtful.
Instead, she would call him a loser and walk away, to find someone more desirable.
As usual, calling it "toxic" for men to have an opinion, and asserting that women are permitted to have standards -- but men are not -- is the quintessential mindset causing young men to not bother anymore (and I can't blame them, because it is absurd).
"Unconditional love" is believing an idealistic delusion. Just like if a man was brutally/physically abusive, had a costly/destructive addiction, perhaps a shameful/infamous criminal, or even a sex offender/pedophile, or whatever else, I am quite sure it would be (suddenly) conditional... or would she stay?
Everything is conditional within a human relationship, under free will; it's only a question of where the line might be drawn.
Given the state of the community, not even surprised this has the most MS. And of course its the usual suspects lmaooooo
She's calling for agape love (the kind of unconditional love God has for mankind) for a person who is in a non-married dating relationship--no conditions attached, including the behavior of the partner in question. She's also saying you should be attracted to your girlfriend unconditionally, regardless of how she dresses or eats, as if this is somehow separate and apart from who the girl is. This is a deranged position that is completely disconnected from reality. And she's saying that if you disagree with this totally untenable, unrealistic position, you are "toxic."
Women: I want a 6+ feet guy, earning 6-figures, with a 6+ inch thing and a 6 pack abs.
Also women: "If she's happy, let her be". "She deserves to be loved no matter what." "MISOGYNYYYYY"
Doesn't work that way.
6" made the cut? Damn I'm winning finally
found the guy who likes fat chicks
No, it's a delusional woman.
.
haha...what?
I know what this feels like. It may be you are fostering too much comfort for her to not really care, or, she may be not the most looks-driven.
Either way, you just need to communicate it. Do it while complimenting her, find a way to sneak in the fact she should care more about her appearance and its full potential etc. Good luck (with modern day feminism this is a dangerous endeavor, you got this champ)
No clue what everyone in this comment section is smoking, but leave her and find a girl who respects herself as much as you respect yourself
Get into shredded shape yourself and let her know how much you work out and eat healthy, IMO that works with a lot of girls. I agree with the commentary about that is a form of disrespect that she can think she can let herself go while being with you. If she doesn't adjust, dump her.
Do not tell her this, you’ll potentially wreck her confidence. Sounds like she’s going through something. If you genuinely like her personality and demeanor then it’s worth sticking around. Pitch it as mutual activities, like a fun hike together or trying a new sport, workout class etc. For appearance if she’s not wearing makeup or nice clothing you need to buy her a few nice things for inspiration and give her a reason to get dressed up and feel pretty. Ask her on a date, let her know it’s a nice restaurant, offer to take her shopping for anything she wants. If she’s in a rut could help break her out of it.
She looked attractive and took care of herself before right?
My ex gf was adding pounds to the point where she bought this elastic waistband to hide her tummy during the day. We had dated for 4 months or so and she was getting heavy and I was too, but I wanted change. I told her I was motivated to go to the gym everyday. So I started going everyday. She always made excuses and didn't come with me and said she was tired with work and was going straight to happy hour, where she would drink a ton of beers and get 1-2 orders of mozzarella sticks and also maybe wings. I had had enough of how she was treating herself and told her she had to go to the gym 3 times per week for an hour for the next month or I would break up with her. If she missed workouts in week 1, she could make them up later in the month. So I was only asking for 12 hours per month of working out. I put it all on Excel and put it on her fridge. She agreed and signed the document.
She missed week 1 completely. Said she was stressed at work and just wanted to chill. She said she was still committed and would make all of week 1 up in week 2 so 6 workouts per week for week 2. She missed all of week 2. Said she would make it up in week 3 and 4 so 6 workouts per week for 3 and 4. She missed all of week 3. Said work was unbearable and she just wanted to play pool at the bar and chill. She would hang out at the bar for 6 hours and get multiple orders of mozzarella sticks at this point. I'm working my ass off at the gym. Was going everyday for 1-2 hours.
Week 4 arrived: she said she would workout everyday. I said ok. Then she said she was too busy to workout that week and she needed my help moving on Saturday. I said I would break up with her that weekend, so helping to move on a Saturday seemed very nice of me to do, but I agreed. She had issues with cussing at people and I walked in to her place that Saturday and she layed down 2 sentences of cusswords with her back turned and I was like wtf did you say to me? She said "oh that was supposed to be for my Dad." Her Dad was there helping with the move. But, I was so offended at the way she treats other people at the time and she failed her gym schedule, so I just broke it off right there in the first 5min of moving day. YOLO.
Just read the other thread--Sorry to hear about your mom Isaiah.
I personally think this is wild. I don't think I would be OK with my partner telling me I *had* to do xyz in a way they designed or they would break up with me. It seems superficial because it's about looks but imagine if your gf/wife/ bf/husband came to you and was like I made this specific contract which you have to sign and follow, directing your behavior in some way or I'll break up with you. Even in cases of addiction, I feel like this wouldn't work. I think the person has to want to change by themselves, if they are doing it to "follow your rules" or "for you" they will never believe in it/ make meaningful lasting change.
I was her impetus for change. And she denied change. I need to be with a ride or die chick. It's ok, after that I dated rockstars.
Man that sux .. what was the significance of the schedule / why was schedule 4 weeks?
That's hilarious. All those chances you gave her to live a healthier lifestyle. And what broke the camel's back was how unhealthy she was on the inside.
You're not getting it bro. It is a combination of the two. Check out the crazy vs hot scale. If she was a little more hot, it would be fine bro. But, she wasn't.
Is this a case of her letting herself go? If so, you need to (politely for the love of god) start encouraging healthier eating and working out more. This happens to people in relationships all the time and the only fix is honesty.
If she never took care of herself and just has a great personality and this is you wishing she cared about how she looks...you need to cut your ties now.
Just dump her, I’m shocked at these comments lol
Simple fact of the matter is that she doesn’t respect herself as much as you respect yourself. Poor fit and it’ll prob manifest itself in other ways too
That being said I usually take the approach of accepting people who they are and not trying to change them.
He did accept her for who she was- it's that she started changing (getting fat). You said it in your first comment- that it will manifest itself in other ways. Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. If her outer world is changing, so is her inner world and she is changing from the person he accepted.
It's a difficult situation, and must be handled in a very delicate manner.
Your strategy will often depend on her personality and details of the situation, so it's difficult to make suggestions.
In some cases, finding a way to 'notice' an example of something, and then 'suggest' it to her (e.g. "...I like that [clothing/makeup/etc], you should wear that, I bet you'd look great...").
Also, with fitness, if she notices that you start to get into fitness/health, it encourages her, and makes it less obvious of being due to weight gain, and 'seems' more (think plausible deniability) like she is merely joining you, on your new fitness kick.
Whatever the details of what might be wrong, start by finding a way to give her an opportunity to fix it without being obvious -- like example above, e.g. if it was your suggestion, or because of your sudden fitness kick, it gives her a way to avoid feeling embarrassed, because then she can act like it's only because of you, and her going along with it... It gives her an opening to comply, without feeling embarrassed.
I would not be very obvious or blunt about it, unless she resists or ignores suggestion, and even then, I suggest to be gentle and only gradually mention something -- it's dangerous territory. If you come on strong, it could destroy a lot more, than help.
Just know that common issues with weight-loss/body, fashion, make-up, heels, hairstyle, or a lot of other things that tend to be our complaint as men; are all very possible to resolve, if handled the right way.
I will tell you from experience... If able to achieve progress, and getting her into a new pattern of behavior, she might end up even hotter than ever before, and you'll be glad you stayed through it all.
Good luck.
You will never be able to convince someone to do something like take health and fitness seriously. They have to do it themselves. in fact, by even pushing her towards it she likely will not want to out of ego protection. DO NOT marry someone that you think you need to change in any capacity. It is borderline impossible. You are better off finding someone who fits your lifestyle and joining together.
To be honest, breaking up with her and telling her its because she is a disgusting slob is probably the motivation she needs to never be fat again. Sacrifice yourself and be the villain in the story that she needs to conquer on her road to happiness
Skip the BS where you pretend its about her health. Sure you want her to be healthy but that's not the issue here.
The issue is you're hitting your marks as a guy (money/career and presumably fitness as well) and you need to be with a girl who's hitting her marks (looks, personality, probably not career but to each their own). So tell her to get on board. Take her out for a run or find some other fitness thing to do with her. If she balks at that, move on.
Idk why this got MS. This is the honest truth. This is one of the basics in your psychology 101 class; people gravitate toward partners on their same “level” (on the X/10 scale).
Thanks. I think it got MS because for the past year, someone’s been checking out my comments daily and throwing MS at all of them. Happens with such consistency that I wonder if I pissed off someone at WSO and they programmed it.
People hate hard truths, and these days they are rarely exposed to them since most of the internet just helps coddle individuals
Beautifully said, Dr. Ram a Dick In My Ass
I tried searching what the username meant for a few months a 3 years ago and I find it here, Beautiful.
There are two types of skinny/attractive women.
the 1st use being skinny as a means to an end. They achieve this usually via crash dieting, borderline starvation, and often rely on other things (expensive clothes, hair, makeup, etc.) to look skinny as possible. They have been skinny/attractive their entire youth despite living a lifestyle in college and 20s that often consisted of booze and take out food. These are the girls who would go on an intense workout plan the month before spring break every year, only to quickly gain it back after. Their looks WILL fade and fade fast into their 20s and beyond. Especially once they have kids. Their looks was to get attention and get a husband. Odds are they never enjoyed eating healthy or working out, and will be very difficult to convince otherwise. These women are a dime a dozen and you will see quite a bit of former attractive sorority girls blow up into their 20s
The other group fitness is a lifestyle. They eat/cook regularly, workout because they enjoy it, their hobbies are very active - marathons, biking, etc. They stay thin and attractive for decades to come. This is the person who will be doing Yoga or a farmers market saturday morning because they arent hungover.
Know the difference when dating. Its very difficult to change a personality
Good advice.
Well said.
Holy shit, this insight is actually like a golden nugget. Seems so obvious but it makes the two types of "fit" girls so obviously different, and it comes down to their psychologies, habits, and values. Crazy how you can predict someone's looks (and probably their life expectancy/health, personal hygiene, value system, parenting style, etc.) 20 years into the future based on a slice of their life now.
Most important point here is "it's very difficult to change a personality". If she doesn't want it for herself, you forcing it on her is only going to work for so long before you're both overly annoyed with each other.
before you start telling her what to do, is your diet 100% on point? do you exercise all the time to where you have sub 15% bf?
until you can say yes, shut your mouth. lead by example, then you can start inviting her to the gym with you, making healthy meals, etc.
Godspeed
Doesn't this assume the genders are looking for the same things from one another?
I agree that OP shouldn't be making demands if his overall desirability isn't on point . . some combo of success/looks/personality or whatever we think guys are evaluated on.
But wouldn't agree that he needs to be hitting that specific category the same way she does. I never hear guys complaining that their girl isn't taking her career seriously enough, and I've heard many women complain that their guy isn't ambitious or hard working enough.
IMO it's only acceptable to ask them to eat healthier and dress better if you have been doing so yourself.
For example: if you are fat and have a neckbeard, don't be asking them to change their eating habits and dress code when you yourself are not healthy.
If she is 7/10 now, in your eyes, it's not worth the disharmony to get her to 8/10. If she is 5/10, as an example, then look into shared healthy lifestyle choices as opposed to sermonizing. Lead by eating healthy, exercising, choosing outdoor activities, etc. If she doesn't show interest in modifying her lifestyle, you have to accept that she will be sub-8/10 and either stay on if you still love her or end the relationship.
I pay my gf to workout. It’s all about incentives
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